I was a brother who has had many problems adjusting to the society here in America. That may not sound strange to some, but when you consider that I was born and raised in this country, it takes on a different connotation to non-Muslims. For example, I have always been somewhat shy. My being shy is one of the reasons that I used drugs and alcohol. It helped me to loosen up and become uninhibited. I have always been shy around women. Getting high always made it easier to approach these women. I never really felt comfortable doing drugs and drinking the way I did. Although I eventually became addicted to cocaine and drank heavily as a young man, I always had a spiritual side that needed to be addressed. I never paid that part of me much attention, until I ended up getting into trouble with the law. What follows is what led me to where I am now with the deen (religion) of Allaah.
I grew up in Twinsburg Ohio, which is roughly twenty miles from Cleveland. My mother was a very 'God fearing' christian who always tried to teach me the value of hard work in life. My father was a career auto-worker who also stressed the importance of hard work, however, he was not quite as religious as my mother.
I started having problems when I was about 15 years old. The only things that I was interested in were girls, getting high, and athletics, which is by the way the only thing that kept me going in school as long as I managed to stay. I ended up having trouble in school because of bad attitude I developed when I used drugs. My parents and teachers were dumbfounded and really didn't know what to do. Things only got worse and I ended up quitting school and joined the Army. I had some of the same problems that I had in school while I was in the Army. However, since many people in the Army drank and got high, and I had a likeable personality with which I used to manipulate people, it was easy for me to get away with it.
While in the Army, I met a woman and we got married. I was an unfaithful and irresponsible husband who'd rather get high and run the streets. As a result I ended up in trouble with the law in a robbery case. I was expelled from the Army and thrown in prison. My wife divorced me while I was incarcerated and I grew bitter and blamed everyone else for my problems. I met and studied with a small group of Muslims at the Kansas State Industrial Reformatory. I took shahaada (statement of faith), however, I was similar to those described in surat ul-Hujuraat where Allaah Says, which means "...Say: You believe not but you only say, 'We have surrendered (in Islaam),' for faith has not yet entered your hearts..."
I had an opportunity to study with some very knowledgeable brothers, however I did not realize how much of a benefit that these brothers could have been to me, so I did not study in earnest. In spite of my lack of seriousness, I was deeply touched by the brotherhood and the affection between the brothers. There was very little in the way of fitna (problems) and the brothers that came in as volunteers were very concerned and involved with the brothers and their development. I make du'aa (prayers) to Allaah that he reward all of those brothers for their efforts.
I served seven years there in Kansas, returned home in Ohio, and I made several mistakes that I'd advise any brother getting out of prison not to make. The very first mistake I made was not surrounding myself with people of taqwa (piety). The Prophet Muhammad is reported to have said that "If you continually associate with people, either they will become like you or you will become like them." I cannot remember exactly where I read this hadeeth, but there are a number of other proofs that can substantiate the point I am trying to make. The second big mistake that I made was abandoning salah. Subsequently, within a year I was on my way back to the prison, only this time it was here in Ohio.
Once I got settled in the Ohio system, I started to give serious thought to where my life had gone. I came to the conclusion that my life had taken so many negative turns because I refused to allow Allaah to play a role in my life. I did not really know how I was going to change, but, I knew that I had to take Islaam seriously. I know that it would not be easy, so I made du'aa to Allaah to help me. One day I went to Khutbatul Jumu'ah (Friday sermon) at Mansfield Correctional Institution. There, brother Kamaal Najib in his khutbah stressed the importance of advising our brothers of doing right. He quoted the hadeeth of our Prophet: "This deen is the sincere giving of advice." I returned to my cell and contemplated on the words of the khutbah. I decided that I would not make the same mistake that I did with the brothers in Kansas, but I would start studying our deen seriously and properly. I made tawba (repentance) to Allaah and asked Him for forgiveness. I also vowed that I would study with and take the advice of brothers who demonstrated through their behaviour that they were sincerely striving in the deen.
As I studied more of the Sunnah and paid great attention to aqeeda, I started to develop a distaste for many things that I previously engaged in or found acceptable. In The Magnificent Journey, Ibn Al-Qayyim points out the relationship of taqwa to the performance of acts of ebaada (worship). I learned that acts of worship and obedience to Allaah directly affect the taqwa of the servant of Allaah. The Magnificent Journey inspired me to start reading the works of other Islamic Scholars. I particularly liked the works of Ibn Taymiyyah, Ibn Al-Qayyim, Ibn Katheer, Ibn Rajab, Suyooti, the works of the four Imaams (Abu Haneefah, Maalik, Shaafi'ee, Ahmad), and others. It seemed that the more I read and learned, the more I realized how much I did not know. I began to study fiqh issues and paid particular attention to the way I applied my acts of worship, because I understood that the only way acts of worship are accepted is with proper intention and they must be done in conformance with the Sunnah of our Prophet Muhammad. I developed a dislike for bid'ah. I also try to familiarise myself with those known innovators of the past who marred the beauty of Islaam, so that I can warn Muslims of them. Previously I had been ashamed of shyness, but I started to take joy in it. As I mentioned earlier, using drugs and alcohol was used to a large extent to mask my shyness. I did not realise that shyness is actually a very good thing. The Messenger of Allaah said, "If you lose shyness, you have lost everything." This is an indication to me that this is a characteristic that is very important. In the book, Patience and Gratitude, Ibn Al-Qayyim relates the following about shyness: "Haya (shyness) is a characteristic of people who are noble and possess good qualities, so the person who refrains from wrong action because of haya is better than the one who refrains because of fear." Therefore, knowing that refraining from wrong actions is central to the protection of my eemaan (faith), I can see the real blessings from Allaah that can be gained as a result of this natural inclination of shyness.
I also developed a sharp dislike for people who frequently lie, mistreat others, and take our religion for sport. However, I had to develop patience, because if it were not for the Grace and Mercy of Allaah I would still be of those who fit into this category. I also began to abhor people who speak about the deen without knowledge. The consequences of this have been very harmful and been a source of fitna among Muslims.
I also learned to take advice. The Prophet said, "This deen is the sincere giving of advice." This is very important, because the Sahaaba (Companions of the Prophet) were not haughty when they were being advised by the Prophet nor were they indignant when he reprimanded them. Allaah Says in the Qur'aan, "Those who know are not equal to those who do not know." Based on this, when the more knowledgeable brothers would advise me I would take it to heart.
I love Islaam! I am thankful that I was blessed to learn the deen from the manhaj (methodology) of the Prophet and his companions. I make du'aa to Allaah that He continue to guide me and make me of those who never turns his back on Islaam.